Mishaps with a mannequin

Laurel Haslam

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about

I’m a person. Finnicky. Dry humor. Contrology is life. Voracious reader. Animals. Hates war, cruelty and stupidity. We are all idiots:)

  • Sheepism

    When I was a kid – if I ever was a kid, I wanted to be a writer. A few weeks ago- like 100 years later, I said to myself, well that never would have worked, you are a fucking recluse. An old boyfriend used to call me a fucking recluse and I would always argue. Europe has confirmed, I am in fact a fucking recluse. Probably antisocial and possible recklessly loose with details, a fucking total slob that leaves her shower wet, and can’t maintain order. But as it pertains to writing, writers either hide everything they are from the world by words and use the page as a shield. OR you let people really see you- actually probably both. And i don’t like to be seen by other people.Jesus christ here everyone tells you every detail about everything and everyone else but say NOTHING. I love to irish exit, I hate leaving the house, and like to be able to ask for no salt on my dinner without involving the entire restaurant. No joke. I ordered a mushroom omelet with no salt and somehow everyone in the restaurant got involved and i let my face fall into the german stare…but because I am in germany it didnt have the effect it would have had at LSY. Every single person in the restaurant looked at me or commented because what if the order was mixed up with another person who wanted salt.. Rising food prices dont effect germany because germans eat salt with only a little food mixed it. With a dark sauce and wonder why their aging population suffers. If you want to sneak out of an event early forget it, it will take an hour, invlove a long explanation and a lot of details. But its stupid little shit- no one ever just asks “what book changed your life?” Whats going on with you?” Someone important I met here- used to say :” You are a stranger among friends and I friend among strangers” which may in fact sum it up.While I was living my life, there was a little embryo running around Kiev. Life put us on the same continent and its endlessly curious to me what would have happened if we hadnt met, in this life. I’m just jaded and cynical enough to distrust him or I am possibly a narcissist and think what everyone thinks. Im unique and misunderstood.. I miss the anonymity of my old life. More than a lot. This is my 3rd new year in Germany- 2nd as a resident. It used to be my favorite holiday. Work, nature, workout, home on the couch with the dog and a good show by 6 or 7. In bed whenever. I just do what I feel , always, just whatever flows through me and is honest. I dont like to be told I must stay up to midnight. I don’t want anything to do with group mentality. Europeans exhaust me with the need to celebrate and sit around like slugs to enjoy life. Its like my dad says- we enjoy life, but at a different pace, which made me realize europeans prize themselves on the slower pace adn I hate THAT because I just move at whatever speed i do. The weight missing my community, my job, surroundings, friends, food, casual, casual, lackadaisical and loose life hangs on me like a noose these days. I hear the talking heads song in my head constantly, but I think David Byrne’s frage :”and you may ask yourself how did i get here?” was a little more peppy than mine this exact week.  I walked away from everything- including the power of choice of how I live my life to an extent. I was thinking about writing about that, this experience-  which would of course expose my own vulnerabilities and so I laughed and decided that was why I didnt become a writer. That and I was really busy doing other stuff. Then I realized I actually tell people casually that I was in fact in some like teen torture facility where they used us for medical experiments, so I may in fact be rather open, i talk about a book that changed my life and why, mental health. I don’t have time for all this other shit…like what the news, media  and world is shoving down our throat- including holidays. We are all idiots- I miss saying it and being around people that know it too. as my beloved daughter Kayla said to me once “ seems like you know a lot of idiots, assholes and retards…Im glad you think im an idiot. I love you too”. Germans are too literal and sarcasm, my humor doesnt translate. D.A. knows that makes me laugh. When people take life seriously- which makes germany both highly entertaining adn lonely for me/ I don’t use the word retard any more. Once I bought a bulldog, so yeah, fuck me…idiot and asshole…and imbecile… which is what i meant by the R word. But I’m from somewhere weird where anything goes and now I live in Stuttagart germany. I’ve always seen people as sea kelp, floating back and forth just going with the flow man. Germans are like sea kelp moving, as are all human beings but only the very tip top and the middle, its like they are based in cement, which …well imagine sea kelp as cement.. Sway. I would say that sums up SF except for the radical left that fucked up everything…very rigid. I do not think people here sway. Yesterday, as I sat in a ball before bed, I thought, I miss feeling really seen. I want to go to the beach and be alone. I felt really sorry for myself. Then I got into bed and realized I said the exact opposite of what i’d said in my last wave of self pity the week before.I said to myself, out loud “ You miss being seen, you hate exposing yourself and being seing, go to fucking sleep , fuck everything”. Basically California is NOT america, its its own country and SF is an asylum. I miss my asylum. More than anything I wish I was in my house, with my dog, next to the beach alone. Why did i sell?? The last week I have asked myself that over and over. But I also know why, I mean i don’t, but I will and do…. what I did made sense but makes no sense.{ Roland actually just asked “ Is it not too hot? How can you drink it?” about some tea he just made me because I am sick. To which I responded “i can, Im american and we have to be hearty to pay for your military, defending and paying for everything, living with wet showers and loose plans. Americans are more hearty that eskimos on the arctic tundra. We drink hot coffee our of fucking buckets while saying whatever the fuck we want…talking about feelings, letting people be themselves, stand on a corner naked and screaming. We leave our showers wet…..so to surmise:Its not too hot, its tea, its supposed to be hot”. I am launching a course “how to decipher sarcasm, how to handle and identify humor and ways to cope with laughter” so he is equipped to handle mild outbursts. I threw “surmise” in cuz I am a bitch.So on this New Years- I wish I was back at LSY doing my thing, with my dog alone. And it’s knawing at me, but I am not and I can’t. I dont feel sad about it- its a bigger feeling than that. Because all joking aside- I can’t go back to just being an american. We will never understand how the world outside us works, but I am beginning to see it and I cant imagine to leave europe now.. There are people on this continent that keep me here. All of them I resisted at first- usually when I bond for life with someone, there is an initial disgust, distrust and annoyance which i forget everytime. Amanda- one of the most inclusive, down to earth people to own a fitness business that thrives who has endlessly supported me, said something wise to me…” even if you go back, you’re not one of them anymore” about people who migrate and go back. And she is one thousand percent right. There are just people here I can’t say goodbye to. Friends, clients….But this is also extremely challenging and sometimes I wonder when the fuck I will get to recharge my own battery. I feel so settled and so unsettled. A wise friend once said to me you play the hand you’re dealt” and that’s what i did but I didn’t think it through. I was too busy overthinking. I ran a yoga studio- and everyone there is letting go, surrendering and all the shit that comes along with that universe. So i thought I understood what those terms meant, but it turned out haha, I didnt. This is that. But…I’ve never been like everybody else.My life has never fit the mold- much as I fit everywhere in some strange way…. I didn’t like to say that before…Paris Hilton actually changed my mind about that. The teen torture center, she was at the one I was….thank god it happened to someone rich because she got them all shut the fuck down- Thanks to Mitt Romney- bless him. Most people that went through there are dead, on drugs or insane. Because …well torture will do that to you. So my life has always felt a little unconventional…so this just feels normal in one way but is breaking me in another. I don’t think I thought through what it would be like to lose my anonymity, what is granted to us when we live our lives among those we live our lives next to, who are used to us. I didn’t think about how difficult I can be to understand, how free i used to be. But then on the other hand- I have no living thing depending on me, no house..nothing really holding me down so in some ways I am free. I feel like i’m suffering now, mostly because I can’t watch netflix with my dog. Next to the beach alone. My life feels more complicated than I can bear. Another ex, who knew me, deeply would laugh if he heard me say that. he once said I was the smartest person in any given room and the strongest person he ever knew. Which was a lot. First off, he thought he was smarter than anyone so maybe he meant a room he wasnt in..but still…and he was fundamentally opposed to compliments, kindness and laughter. He was in fact not german ( but i sure am drawn to SOUR….) . I hate him for how it ended but I wouldnt be doing any of this if he hadn’t said that. Anyways, life is complicated and I just want to go home. But I can’t and I know that. It just hasnt broken my heart til now. It’s 6pm and I am expected to stay up til midnight. And its that that I hate- anything that cuts off the flow, like an imposed holiday. SF forever. But for now, Europe. Another thought I had was it could be interesting to run for chancellor. Simplify the language a bit, give the beavers a break and digitize, take away the salt and seed oil, maybe offer my course on keeping it light, stop wasting time worrying abou tif people can tell the difference between plant based meat and meat. Cancel all the holidays. Build a wall instead of a gasline and bring in the pitbulls to lead the way.love is always the answer, resiliency is never a question. Why must we always muzzle that?

    And i guess when in Europe- NYE…rich in tradition. so go with it…like i do everything it seems these days!

  • Жизнь — странная штука

    Something I rarely think anymore is “I am so far from home”. I guess what I am doing feels like familiar? Right ? Or some switch in me has flipped, like all of this…this whole era has been so over the top, i no longer think about things in a way I recognize. But I feel it – especially the last like 4 hours of the flight home:…no more in the emotional sense- …however…even feeling that not often these days. I am far from where I started, but it’s grown to feel normal for now, good for now. Ive heard living in a foreign country grants you a whole second persona. I’ve grown used to many hearing many languages and not speaking the most common one in any given situation. Im also trained enough in language i would say to sort of get the gist…I mean being from CA, Spanish….i can understand a little, but my ability to speak , limited as it was , has gone completely and my reaction to hearing any language other than english is to respond in German. My life feels familiar though. Maybe that has always been the case- from being in a rehab in Utah in my teens that also used us as experiments in drug trials and used physical, and emotional torture tactics on us, to my really successful career, to being a pawrent to multiple celestial beings. I dont think I would have moved to Germany, had I not possessed the knowledge of my ability to just dive into any circumstance and just live. Like Keith Richards says “It’s just great to be anywhere.”

    But I DO wonder how this happened. Like how have I gotten here, a person who loves speaking with people to arrive in a place of …I love it in the USA when I can understand everything,and its fantastic…but it doesnt feel like a strong preference. Being an American is weird- because we are so big, so powerful- and we are trailblazers. WE DO IT- wild and crazy….we give it all- tech, weapons, advice, entertainment. Anyone can rise to power, you can say whatever you want – except around the fringe left. Its both fantastic and absolutely awful. Its just geography at a point- we lack exposure- lucky for the rest of the world as we want to started wanting to build walls with countries and we all build walls with each other now too. Where do you stand on Ukraine became relevant to ask at some point, oh, you are pro palestine..? Are you antisemitic…no…i just hate whats going on on both sides in its entirety. And ATROCITY happens everyday, everywhere, but we fixate on world war 2 because its easy. Documents do that. We have a day to celebrate our undocumented massacre. My ukrainian friend proposed to his russian fiance, borders are too close to cancel each other here. People can tolerate more here. That doesnt make everyone tolerant- its just geography.

    I find my love of language increasing. I think german is complicated but germans think complicated is not bad. NOT BAD is basically fantastic. When people say my class wasnt too bad…it stings but not anymore…when i teach someone a private and they stare, no smile and just say Tschuss and walk out,  I no longer assume I will never see them again. Well I do but thats in my american compartment. Ive stopped wanting to stop sessions with clients and offer a refund 20 minutes in based on facial expressions and demeanor. I judge everything through my american lens, english is king- and people recognize my language. But I also know, connecting with people in any language is not so hard. Probably easier now, because this experience has been ego smashing, identity pushing and soul expanding. The practice of yoga asks us to engage in self study- which is great- except the examiner is full of their own thoughts and opinions, Switzerland is just a concept? Lofty goal? bullshit:) …It asks us to let go. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve let go of two much, but I can’t imagine to get it all back. Its weird to feel foreign to yourself, and I do and don’t. I can’t imagine to have NOT done this, to not be here, surrounded by love. Ive been so lucky here, but it demands a lot. I noticed last time I was in CA, my driving is different, lack of use. I hate driving in Germany. Partly- it’s a mercedes and I prefer a lower end car i could be ok totaling:) But also- I am terrified of the German police, I jaywalk rarely because I am afraid. Things are so exact, rules etc…Driving in Spain feels much easier, so I also had fun driving home last night- it was so enjoyable. I got to hug a donkey in Amsterdam last week. Losing everything is a good starting point. Such a position of privilege to say that.Maybe better to say smash yourself? Check yourself than wreck yourself?

  • It feels like north korea

    There’s this hallway that has become familiar to me the past few years, anywhere in the world I am, I walk down it a few mornings a month. Tuesday night I went to bed exhausted and decided to set my alarm for 20 minutes later than I needed to to get to language class the next morning, and if I was late so be it..that extra 20 minutes of sleep would have that dramatic effect upon my mind. Which sounds like a simple decision,of course,but what lurks beyond our simple decisions is never lost on me. My life is too busy-to fill an emptiness of course. And lately, the feeling of submission, the need to cave has washed over me. Submission to the german language, to being an american. The feeling Ive let myself feel about americans- we don’t tend to adapt, learn languages..why should we? The subtle american mindset, the widespread english peppered on every continent. Our greatness can be isolating. And we are great ironically, if only in a sense of world order. Home is where the dog is and Ive put myself in a pawless situation. The SF data laws call for 8 hours of sleep to function top notch- I live by that- but the adjustment in my alarm clock likely masks a deeper need I wish to ignore. In the midst of a dream underway, a clock appeared, with the feeling of needing to make a decision about being on time to class. Was I going to get up, set it…why wasn’t it going off, as it should have been set for THIS moment? I became aware that I was lucid dreaming, that it was likely the time I “should have” set it to be on time to class. It was 6:36 exactly- the time it needed to go off. I laid there for 20 minutes more waiting for it to go off. Walking down the hallway to consciousness. With the pain? Weight?All the information we can receive in our dreams if we are open. That I needed to face this, whatever it is.Dream is such a loaded word. Make your dreams come true- chase your dreams, that was totally dreamlike (therefore unrealiastic) Chasing a dream …that one makes me laugh. Chasing consciousness is double edged.  Dreams hold an absolute honesty that pave the way to the reality I operate within. They inform me of everything real in the world.  My relationship to and with my dreams is the most satisfying and intimate relationship I have in my life and likely ever will (now that Korbel is dead anyhow. God he was amazing)

     Anyhow- the hallway from total dream to awake showed up yesterday the space where the weight of the dream and the most beautiful and inconvenient truths are laid bare on my back. I dont’ often get quiet mornings to myself, which I crave.I find the interference of other people’s energy to be disconcerting in the morning, so I savor the mornings I get this phenomennam of coming to. I dont often share so much about this, we are often quiet about the things that matter most to us. For reasons we avoid topics of such depths, a perfect mirror taking place of where our eyes sit. Perhaps why I have always loved animals- instinct cant be communicated with the spoken word. Especially in stuttgart germany- such an arrogant statement, but that’s my bitterness at aspects of my situation coming out, a longing for the comfort in projection. I also think people are lazy about seeing themselves, especially in the current climate which I am so sick of hearing. The current climate- such a blame game. I do believe the collective consciousness is a bit sick now and we all must do the individual work on ourselves to heal the world. How are you Trump-y..Afd-y. When we truly see ourselves we see- Trump is just a man, Hitler was just a man….Stalin too. And that sucks.Our waking mind loves to sort and organize information. Have clarity. Separate ourselves from monsters. Whatever WE deem that to be. Right now. The other morning I woke up wondering why no reporters really cover Trump’s brother. I pick him because I hate him in my waking state and of course that will show u pin my dreams to call me out and show me how I am him. I choose the example also because people have an opinion and I think he may be a well known divisive figure! HE is not divisive- WE are. We are his power.  I’m a sober alcoholic. All my opinions on this are colored by the fact I cant handle a drink. I have judgments around those that drink daily- but its pretty normal actually. This could be a topic of itself. Trump doesnt drink- not socially normal these days. He’s a Barbara- a just say no guy. Which makes me laugh- how great a life would be if we could just say no!  But what motivates this decision to abstain touches me deeply.  He talks about it rarely. I dont’ think the press or any of us really care to examine what makes trump human, and I think thats the real problem. With us.  I googled it (wake up and google) and saw an interview where Trump talked about it and how he doesnt drink because he lost his brother to alcoholism. His choice to abstain is his vulnerabilty. The waking me reviles at his policies and way of being in the world…but on the deepest level I know we are all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Most of what we say and do comes from such unconscious places in our mind…its hard for me to hold on to any of it these days. I’m as righteous and indignant as the next person- the human condition is just that and we are all idiots, hitlers, and mother Teresa’s. Our polarization is laziness. 

    As the thought of going or skipping german class wormed it’s way into my dream … (in the dream i felt deeply annoyed at being called to face something I dont feel able…wanting??? Of right now.) I have so much going on with a legal issue, work….language….desire to speak it.  Not to mention navigating the ache of missing a dog so much I can barely breathe, while also knowing I can’t even think about that, dealing with the holidays and impending social time with people i dont totally know. Or that don’t totally know me. So many external things- to blame for the external. AND! I’m at the point where my mind is blown at how complicated german seems to me and the amount of work to form a fucking sentence seems….well…very german. Germans are some of the nicest people, and they know its not the easiest thing to learn their language. Actually..(zwar?) There is a particular look of glee that passes over their face when they learn you are learning german.The light in their eyes as they tell you …ahh yes, its complicated…be patient. They have sympathy. (Because they know its unreasonable:)) Germans seem to love process, documentation, making process after process to simplify things and also create less work by implementing more rules and systems. The language feels reflective of that. The past few days I have felt like there is no way I will ever get this language and my overall comprehension has deteriorated. I question if i even understand the word THE. In english. To set my alarm for an extra 20 minutes of sleep and and allow myself to be 23 minutes late to the class was a way to deal with said feelings eh.. Of course the dream woke me up 20 minutes early with “hey…are you really going to let yourself be late”? Because- the reality is I have to learn this beast. I live here. Sort of. Not really but yes…and  I want to better teach my pilates students in German, I don’t want to be the american that caves and just uses english. Its rude and also keeps me..sick in the cycle i will never escape because I am american. Because the reality is…well there’s so much contained in that statement. We are fantastic- and big, and we produce. And the hustle and grind I need to do this is a product of my AMERICAN upbringing. But there is also a separation that comes with that. American’s tend to …stick to america or expat areas, and rely on the fact English is king. I dont’ want to do that because I am probably a liberal.:) figure that out! 

     I’m the only american in my class … .the only person who speaks only 1 language vs 2 minimum. I see people give up everyday- drift out and not come back…I see them at the train station months later … .telling me in broken german or english…they can’t. But they have other languages they can use…as do I but it feels different to me. 

    In the past week I would say, the language has dwarfed me. Learning German, being in a situation do far from my culture…from myself in a way…if I allow the moments to come together and I look up to the wave that breaks over my head, the salt water burning my throat, nose and lungs as it threatens to drown me.I burst back through to the surface most days eyes burning, body heaving with what the FUCK. What the fuck have I dont with my life? With myself. This language is so complicated- like its a fucking joke. That gets worse everyday.  If I zoom out to much, what I am doing makes no sense. I feel lost and exhausted. Homeless. Home is where the dog is. But when I zoom in, I see all the little pieces that paved the road here and , well here i am.

    The hallway to awake was screaming at me to wake up- and not for class but that…that I’m on my edge. Deep down I’m starting to give up, to succumb to what is there- always pulling us under- our unconscious mind. I don’t know how great I am at keeping that separate anymore – and from the outside- this doesnt actually make sense. Perhaps I had to move here, to stun myself with leaving all my entire life behind, to give up the power of choice in a way. All the little things fell into place to make this make sense, but it doesnt make this doable, but I have to do it. Because I am here. I woke up. I reached for a paw and there was none. I got up and had a day with some great parts and a few days later someone on the periphery but very important changed my feeling about the language. Maybe he will change my life but that will take a few more weeks to find out. 

     Last night I dreamed about a killer whale living in a swimming pool I had and the thrill of having an aimal close to me. Those of you who know me know how I feel about tillikum, so of course in my dream I was Sea World. But I noticed my whale’s spine beginning to show, the skin becoming dull and rough. I began in earnest to get a rescue to come get him to no avail. What an overwhelming situation- a killer whale in a swimming pool that i need to get back to the ocean. I have a prius, but it’s in america.

  • Chia, Hemp and Flax seeds

    Today I decided…there is really no other country I could reasonably state I am from and have it be believable. Maybe Canada…but the longer I live outside the US..I see that I don’t think I can pass as anything other than american. Every first day of a new Deutcsh Kurs, I dread telling people I am from America- this is bad enough…but if questioned further and I say California then it gets worse. The immediate response is…WARUM bist du hier?!. I usually say ich weiss nicht:) Which is a pretty california answer….and follow up it up with SF speak – this is the way the current guided mir. I am always the only american. Most people can agree we are a bit polarized at the moment in the USA…but I think we are more….on the same page than it may feel. We are all american and there is a certain something our country has achieved. …much…but let’s just say HOLLYWOOD. Movies,TV…film…it unites us. Everyone knows Simba. I am passionate about reading and insatiably curious about people and I can say with certainty( when someone speaks with certainty laugh at them and run) – stories unite us. Stories evoke emotions and when our emotions are stoked life becomes alive. Sadly, we also LOVE to stare a screens. Reels. And before reels, after dinosaurs were movies. So…america is sort of a big deal for that, but thats a reductive statement but that simply captures why I know america is a king. I have tremendous respect for my country. Even now, because electing the guy living in the white house- even that- oh america you are so BIG. And we invented the Kardashians by watching that shit. And now we wonder why….and also- go big or home home…so either colossal fuck up or the next frontier, politics happen.

    Anyhow- I get it when people say why are you here, but I never know why I am anywhere. I met my soul mate today. She kommt aus Pakistan. We both have our entire week geplannt. Down to the meal, the minute….but like life- no plan what- so- ever. SO I am here because of…love, my life blowing up, having no plan, a vague plan of running for emperor of maybe like half the countries we have on the planet so I should explore, i have family here….mostly I just say because i got on a plane. 

    I’m extremely concerned about the overcrowding of shelters in the USA now that all the pets are no longer being eaten…. the factory farming…RFK- but FUCK YEAH to everything he says about food. Maybe if the food werent poison we would get sick less and could stop testing on animals for drugs to fix putting flaming hot cheetos ( sorry my BELOVED T.R)in our piehole. But I don’t ever plan on having measles or polio- and I am so lucky for that so like gray area can be good. Sunkist (which has no place in RFK’s america…to…processed) once said he had a large brain….it may be. Its so huge it seems to have pushed itself out of the head completely. So there is a lot going on there. Now.

    Basically- I dread the moment someone from Palistina, Ukraine, Syria ask why I would leave america. It sort of breaks my heart actually – everywhere is fucked up, we are all idiots, there are many waste of space air-pirates in many countries, but america is pretty great. Healthcare is in fact not free here…..the treatment you can get for cancer is a better price, but the wait time can make it so you may need serious treatment or a casket…in america you can just file for bankruptcy or do a go fund me. I think of all the complaining we do about how messed up our country is…but most of the people complaining about it live on the continent. Except me..but I cant think of any complaints now that Prince George County LIFTED THE BAN ON PITBULLS! FUck yeah! But in EU…they restrict pit bulls …because they think they are deadly- which is ignorant. Its the people owning them….but they know they will be problems. And it’s hard for them to (legally) put animals with spines down and my beloved country with the go-go-go mentality can easily put down the 480,000 we do. We are so spoiled in America….we just have no idea…but i think its because of the movies- our ability to make stories come to life. Of course I am not actually from America – I’m from San Francisco.

    Once we get that question out of the way I love being back in class. I think differently about where I come from now…because we all come from somewhere…as different as the places are its all the same. Because really- what is breaking us while weaving us together…as the pull the internet has, the ability for reels to pull us in. And america is no longer king of stories. Stories are changing and evolving and we are all just scared because its easy…..Though, hen i watch reels I feel a little afraid, because…I do actully LOVE dog reels…andKnight and Aston aren’t reels to me but Jesus Christ in suede suits. But i dont’ actually want to consume content anymore…but I …do. I carry my kindle everywhere which helps but I watch dog reels a lot…too much. Oh yeah…and like…vegan reels. NOT that anyone who knows me would guess that. As far as AI…I wonder if I am a narcissist because I think CHAT gpt RUINS my writing…completely. And isnt AI telling us to fear AI? Then I think about an old co-worker who told me I wasn’t good at spelling and grammar…which to be honest sounded funny because…shouldn’t it have been Good at spelling and don’t Know grammar too well. 

    The last thing about these German classes is I realize I have more life behind me than ahead. Europeans are more matter of fact about these matters. But when I share my age, people say wow you seem MUCH younger. I think yeah, I am from SF…I fear seed oils, less than 8 hours of sleep, GMOS( which I must confess I dont have a firm handle on what this IS..are?), food additives, not taking 10k steps a day and like we don’t smoke. Then i realized this could be taken as a compliment…but NOW I realize…they are looking at me realizing….I was with the dinosaurs when movies came.

    And I am an asshole because I said to myself…shes pretty americanized…about someone I LOVE here and I thought what the fuck does that even mean. ….laurel….is that supposed to be a compliment? Like I am some king handing out compliments. ….I was in teh center of Hautbanhof and I stopped walking to say WTF to myself  and laugh. In germany. Yeah I don’t belong here but I love my little world here.

  • Am I “in” or “An” Den Usa?

    And there is a good chance it’s neither. I actually think its DEM USA. Which would mean I am IM deM USA, but i swear den sounds right…anyhow….I’m in the USA, the low level anxiety of being away from my country is gone. But now, I am away from home….in my home country. Well, actually I am in the Bay Area, which is a wonderful and stifling bubble located on? In? The continental.. “United” states of america. I never second guess my choice- and that i am right where I am supposed to be, I am not staying though:) I’m looking forward to being….back in my current life as much and  Ihave zero desire to leave here. And that as I understand it, is my new life, the burden of expat life. But I’m not an expat, I just have a weird life.  One I fit perfectly into, because thats what i do. Which is stereotypical american “make your way” “pave your own destiny”….I sort of take comfort in the fact I never really have a plan, I just sort of do my thing. I suppose that is a plan. And right now I am “here”and there is rarely much you can do about that. My european life feels very much like a pair of jeans you buy because you love them- the idea, the look…..but you can’t exactly confirm if they are comfortable or not. Which is actually possible. You know you will wear them- but you will always know you are wearing them. Which is not bad….but I am from SF were we wear yoga pants 90% of the time. Dinner is a meal not an eternity. americans I know who have sat through the eternity of a european dinner one knows the stages…”wow, this is lovely”…”ok…I’m having a euro-experience, how cool”….”wow… they just ordered more drinks?” “ok…mcdonalds has a point” ‘Like…I have a bedtime so…..these are a bit much for me. Prolonged human contact is jarring and yet.  I think about the emotionally rich conversations I have enjoyed with people here, all the time spent with people feels so rich and emotionally satisfying. Maybe euro dinners go on forever because they are not. But I really notice all these little differences here now. I love asking questions about people- I am so curious about all of you. I had a moment with my dad this trip about how asking questions here is usually a great thing to do, people like talking about themselves. Yet, he has no idea…. At lunch a few weeks ago, I asked a german whose last sentence stated they loved to read+ had been reading a lot lately, therefore opening a door to for me to walk through. I asked what their favorite book they had read and why was…the look on their face let me know, ..well the word probe is rarely a good thing. Better to talk about the parking spots they are building in whatever town. This particular person makes eyore look like hes having a manic episode so perhaps the wrong case study. I a way , in the grandiosity one must have to survive these situations I feel I am in….I think of myself as a cultural anthropologist…and i laugh at myself. I come from somewhere somewhat pretentious and I dropped out of school before high school, my last job did involve taking the trash out, I did not go to Harvard, so I was able to do that. ……so I can enjoy these moments of intellectual superiority. Moments like that in fact do not actually exist as it’s just my own thought…and I granted myself the superiority. The houses here are too big, Stanford is a cult, the dread culture is over the top, people are spoiled…but this is where I belong. I miss my schedule in Germany. I need to focus on work, I miss Roland, I miss my clients and friends….I miss too much from both places to unpack, so i better go pack my bag. It’s the constant motion that gets me.

  • Conversations

    After class last night, I stayed after class to talk to my student. She was born in Germany, but her family is Turkish…so she considers herself turkish…and commented that the german culture can be a bit dry…and precise…no real zest or FUN. I was impressed of her use of the word zest. English is her 3rd language. People of other cultures, born here…don’t see themselves as German…which is interesting. People always seem extremely curious…fsacinated..WHY would you leave CALIFORNIA for Stuttgart. To which I reply that I am an idiot:) I mean, I do believe SF and Ca to be far superior to where I live now. Especially for my lifestyle preference. I struggle everyday with this fact. And the isolation I feel not having my beloved yoga community around me. But also…this is where life took me so I dont’t think about it so much, because it is too awful:) Germans in general are such planners and pay attention to detail and function- their kitchens are amazing….they plan and execute and I love that. I also find it extremely limiting and do not relate. 

    As I was AN/ON the train home…home?!?!? I actually dont like that word anymore. I just think “nach hause” …home is where the dog is. 

    I was thinking about how many people I talk to these days, here, in person. I don’t often speak with …actually ever, with Americans. The expat community in Stuttgart is huge…when we hear that…as americans….I think we think of us. But here…I find the american expat community to be military or executives working at Bosch, Mercedes etc. Insular. And I don’t often interact with americans. I feel american…but also…its as my brilliant and awesome human colleague, Amanda says, “you’re not one of them anymore”…about when you leave your country. I feel very Bay Area vs american…but even that….we’re pretentious in a weird way. I felt “unsophisticated” in some ways in the Bay Area…people super scheduled…because they are important…the wealth…the unflexibility…the BOUNDARIES….all of it…the determinedness to include. All that I am. Ive even started to wonder why there are so many …..pro-noun issues in the states…its here too but not such a 5 alarm and people just are themselves, we have that here too, but….not so much. Its not taught to children so less people probably realize they need to figure out their identity and make sure everyone recognizes it. 

    I would say I retain the bay area rigidity and adherence to a particular state of mind…consciouness, intellectual thinking. I underestimated my intellectual needs. I feel so pretentious to say I miss the more intellectually stimulating part of living in SF. I miss the food- here there is a concern about caring for the aging population. Yet I dont’t see…talking about fitness, diet. Most people here maintain a diet of 80% salt with some food mixed in in my opinion:) I am total NOT adaptable to the diet here- I think its dangerous. Fried salt, with a heavy sauce, fried souls on a plate with cheese on top to clog your arteries and meals are not colorful. It looks like catfood. When i eat in a restaurant my tongue hurts from salt. SO i am totally SF in my absolute diva like food demands here…but also….I feel like crap when i eat like a local so I dont

    But back to my thought- I talk with so many people…none of which are american- but they speak my language. Hollywood. I think we take for granted entertainment and how movies connect the world- I would say even more than technology on a global level. Culture retains itself here- turks born here are “very turkish” ….Syrians born here identify as Syrains…Thats so interesting to think about as an american. Our land is so small in a way.

    As the train nears my stop…I stop racking my brain. I can only think of one american here I had regular contact with…and she and I never spoke- she was in my language class. This is just the weirdest feeling. 

    My students dog died last week and she asked me about the dog I always reference in my class, Korbel. I said he was dead too, like Jesus.She asked if I felt like returning to SF..? Like…stuttgart..really?! I said yes if I could wave a wand fuck yeah. But also no. I said the only reason I really think seriously about a return to US NOW is to buy property in west Virgina or Tennessee..perhaps Michigan to start a dog rescue because I am not doing my part with the shelter crisis. I’m appalled by myself and my country for this. But I donate a portion of everything I make to shelters and rescues so I can tolerate living with myself.  She actually got my sense of humor.
    People are people and we are all exactly the same as far as capacity for good and evil….but also not. It’s a weird feeling being a person here. I try to shed my bay area skin whenever I can cuz its toxic, but I’ll never let go of it either.”)

    Then I remember- my neighbor! Ralphie’s dad! He’s not next door at the moment, but I did live next door to an american…who has lived here 17 years- he’s integrated. And awesome. He let me be friends and spend time with Ralphie, his dog. She was a little dog, which a big soul. Probably one of the most strategic thinkers as far as dogs. Ralphie was hungarian, adorable and extremely wise. Gabriel from Pennsylvania….but hes the version of american……that you become.

  • Maulkorbs

    I woke up from a dream this morning, the kind that I knew I was dreaming while having it. I have been recording and..I don’t like the word analyzing but more paying attention for the past 10 years. I believe Carl Jung to be one of the most ..profound teachers in my lifetime. I am always surprised…when I blow off a dream, or don’t listen. At the beginning of a new point in my career about 10 years ago, I had what I have learned to be a “warning” dream. Basically, I was at a dinner and we ran up a huge bill…my boss kept saying not to worry she would help pay for it. At the end, everyone disappeared and I had to pay ….all of it…with my debit card- it took a lot of money from me. In dreams, money is energy. My therapist, a woman who appeared in my life several different times and is probably the most important person to me in the world in a way, said “this is a strong warning, are you absolutely certain you want to move forward with this endeavor?” I said oh yes. She said you will pay a high price and I would be careful with xxxjsdfhdjsfkjhkl……” 

    I now live in Germany. And I now never doubt warning dreams- or good ones…or anything my subconscious mind tells me! My dream last night was about Korbel- dogs….living outside and choosing the love of a dog over any human connection…it was complicated. As my life here can feel. I don’t have a dog. I can’t write about that, because it..I have no ground to stand on without one. I had to put my dog down…probably about 2 months before it was absolutely necessary…but he should have gone…maybe…. earlier based on some pain he was having. I look to the fact that I made this choice, to give up a chance at pawrenthood as a reflection of how…sad my ending was in a way. And it was long. I’ve always had work and my dog. I cant write about the dog, too hard. Work…in my career I had reached a point of wondering if I was sophisticated enough…and a whole host of things behind the scenes I tried to ignore. I had a professionally upending in July of 2024 that made me aware- I have to sell my HOME, I have to leave something I built, because fuck you, and let go of my dog. And maybe I am …..unsophisticated. Unable. Too old. I moved to something good in Germany- but I paid. A lot. I still get paranoid and ask chat gpt if my response to one of my many work emails is sophisticated. I am starting to laugh about it, because fuck that. Its a quality of the bay area I do not miss. I laugh because Sonya was right and nothing was surprising because as things started to fall apart..I knew…because of that dream, this is the next phase. 

    Moving to a country – I love- but that is so detail obsessed it complicates and kill creativity- I didn’t speak the fucked up 4 case language:) and thank god I didnt really comprehend how messed up it is at the point I made this decision!! I’d say Im a people person-but my fear of the german….Its hard for me when people dont laugh. Im not in Berlin. Im in Stuttgart- its GERMANY. You cant get by not speaking the beast. I can’t believe I did this – at like 44…Prime age of the career…and I felt so ….given up on, so beat down and also….done with the more toxic side of wellness. Like fuck I know I did a good job…everything just felt fucked up. Sophisticated people dont actually clean..and when you do, you get labeled as….well no need but everyone just needs to get over themselves in the Bay is sometimes how I feel. I make a point to clean, tidy and pitch in in every studio I work in here. I want to….I do NOT miss the “boundaries” buzzword culture. I have a boundary with that…is something I never say or think about. Its like not a thing here and we get by. I mean I also cant have boundaries- I dont speak fluent german so I have to teach whenever it works for that issue. I work on east coast hours for a woman and company I love …so my boundary about screen time before bed is toast. People just manage…

    I got so lucky here professionally. My goal was to accept the limitations I’d been subtly accepting and give up. I was ok with what my goal was- to stock shelves at Aldi, or something that didnt involve speaking.. 

    I actually had two beloved friends in town teaching at my studio…it felt like mine but thats so complicated- in December of 2023….Korbel got sick and was in the hospital…..they’ve known me a long time….and they could see- Me. I had this weird feeling that weekend, that…something would come of it. And…it did.

    Now I work in the yoga space again…which I swore I was done with…but guess not. I work closely with technology…something I “couldn’t” do. I get to use my sales skills- I LOVE the people I work with and for. I love the fact that my boss knew both Bruno and Korbel. AS did her husband…and they are both a source of connection to the practice of the yoga philosophy i do actually need. This job is amazing and I love having a foot in the USA…while also….meeting people in Europe through this work. 

    I have begun teaching Contrology- which is actually what Joseph Pilates called his method. It does NOT involve a megaformer, pulses, 40 reps , or any of that shit:) I have an AMZAING studio I teach at and the owner is truly ….an inspiration. She is a brilliant teacher, endlessly generous with her knowledge. She does everything for her studio and community. Very down to earth and has built an amazing time- she is one of the best in the business. 

    I’m lucky that I’ve never worked a day in my life- still as I love the work I do. I wish I could work more. I know I’m doing what I am meant to do, I’m learning a ton every day. I dont worry so much about…who I am ….I saw a post about how a water bottle at a gas station costs .99 cents…same bottle at an airport is 7 euros…change your place…etc…I feel so lucky to be working, believed in. In a lot of ways I work harder and more…but I dont worry so much about boundaries…so like it feels ok. Busy. stressful. Rewarding. I’m constantly wondering what time it is on the east coast, a win-back campaign, ..how can we grow subscribers…programming. What am I going to teach this week. Thinking about my clients bodies, oh shit..how can I teach this in german…the satz structure..writing out pilates in german, slugs, SEO…attrition. Churn. Sales. Goals. Employee relations. Issues with the SBAHN…how will i GET to work. German class. Home life…laundry that takes 3 hours to wash, when can I do it? ACK…wrong language sorry- and trying to support other expats from my language school…I grew up with the german culture in my life, i love sourdough bread…I think the culture here is …fun…ny…in a sour way. I grew up laughing at the dryness. Korbel was particular…german in a way… but i if I hadnt known the culture…I could see where it would be a struggle to …start a life here, so I try to show up for others who feel..like what the fuck.…germany is wonderful and hard…sour…..you have to be able to laugh when looked at like a bug. But all of this is a gift. In a country I barely speak the language. I have a life….but I know the busy-ness…avoids the real absence of a pet. A need I can’t ignore, but I have to for now. I miss my community. I want to go back everyday…but i remember…lok at texts…remind myself….you cant. You paid too much. It’s good to be working and doing so many new things, old things and to know….I can probably do anything. And just because I am a narcissist, I know not many other people I know could deal with this. Mostly the hair situation. The hard water struggle is real. I will wash it in the Bay Area and New York in November and again in mAdrid for the end of the year. But i am not my body so let the hair go. And….leave it to the vulch to crush in a country…I do NOT speak the ..language:) In a broad sense. Also- pits have to wear maulkorbs here and pass a character test. I feel like that sentence can sum up the end for me…there. It would translate to Pits must a muzzle wear.

  • Schneeflocken

    Before moving to Germany,…but I question if I really moved here. It’s more like…I showed up here on a blind leap of faith. One that deep down felt incredibly wrong, but in the deepest place I knew to be my way forward. Away from heartbreak. Away from a dead end. A way to give up the community and life that was impelling me out. I left almost a year ago. I don’t care for the geography of where I live. I love the people in my life here deeply and I could not imagine saying goodbye. I love the fall colors. I love the colors of all the people. I miss the food, god i miss healthy California living. I miss the radical open-mindedness that circles around and makes the radical left and the radical right beides. I miss the San Francisco mindset…in some ways.. Yet, as I get ready to visit I feel a little bit nervous.

     I lived in one of the most open minded, fantastic places imaginable and liberal to a detriment. It was a community where every word felt like a potential offense, and where ideological purity often outweighed open conversation. In that environment, I was probably just shy of being labeled right-wing….sweet little vegan me. The average income hovered around $180,000 a year,..average….and that’s impossible to live on if you are not single and the population was a blend of white, Asian, and Hispanic residents—an affluent, “diverse” slice of America.

    What strikes me, in hindsight, is how much Americans take assimilation for granted. Living on a continent surrounded by water, we grow up assuming that people who come to the United States will naturally adopt “American” ways. I’ve started to wonder if the water itself symbolizes perhap the ocean acts as both a barrier and a filter, creating a sense of similarity among those who cross it. And stay. LA is diverse….New York …ok maybe yes. SF…no….not to me anymore.

    Living in Germany has changed the way I look at diversity fundamentally. I can laugh with my friends…here about americans leading the diversity train.  Germany is a nation rich with immigration, a tapestry of cultures,languages, religion…all woven together in one shared tiny! Space. To obtain a visa, one must complete German language courses and demonstrate proficiency at a B1 level. I probably function at around that level myself—I can teach Pilates in German, navigate doctors, dentist, optometrist and official appointments on my own, and participate in daily life without much issue. But what does it mean to participate in daily life. As someone who barely speaks the language at a functional level, I feel safe moving about Germany solo. I speak a ton..too much English. Relationship building. Here is where I sometimes feel so homesick and overwhelmed I can barely breathe. I cant express myself clearly. Aber here sind so many people who …live in Europe…so many languages…its totally different than life in USA. A pilates teacher who speaks crappy but understandable english? Not likely? Having dinner with people when you dont understand the language….its not as lonely as you might think. Three people I am attached to dearly here….dont really speak english. Language alone is a diversity I never considered. Here, in Germany, you are required to participate in language class…potentially pass a test to stay. As one of my friends here- German being his 3rd language, he is fluent…”it didn’t have to be this way” , laughing about how complicated german is to learn. This language is so hard…but its doable..but you dont sound good:) If American leadership chose to enact this language rule…the left would protest. But…its the only way to inclusion. To keep diversity and include inclusion.

    Perhaps one of the greatest callings of humanity is the ability to see people as individuals- should be same for dogs…(#pitmom). And diversity is a real thing. Geography affects that, size of a continent …Hollywood. Diversity isn’t something you can…create….too many factors. And as individuals we just don’t know much, as a collective we can, but we usually fight and label.

    I laugh at the way I used to think about diversity and inclusion, I just didn’t get it.. The kids in germany seem to kill themselves less…but they aren’t presented with so many….social issues we have created huge conversations around. I dont worry here…about what I say getting me canceled. I worry about …not being deeply understood, less hysterical and loud laughter. But thoughts ideas and opinions. Nope can say anything. It makes me laugh as I get so excited to see my LOVED people- basically ANYONE living in SF at this point I miss it so much…I also am nervous about the level of sensitivity. That I so deeply miss but enjoy making fun of over here. I am the snowflake…my snowflake friends would life. Is it even ok I’m joking about snowflake…oh…Dot. De so yes!

  • It Didn’t need to be this way

    As my favorite client says all the time about German…it doesn’t NEED to be this way…so complicated. It just doesnt. He is from Turkei. I dropped out of school after eighth grade, so walking into a classroom at forty-three to learn German felt like some kind of cosmic joke. Four cases and all. I mean—first of all—the language is ridiculously complicated and absurdly precise. If you trail off mid-sentence, a German isn’t going to fill in the blank for you. They can’t.

    I sometimes regret not finishing high school, but learning German at this age has made one thing clear: I never would’ve made it through school anyway. I just don’t learn the way most people do. Now I have the wisdom to know educated idiots are the worst…and I am ok with struggling more than the others.

    So I walk into this classroom—maybe eleven of us in total. The Turks sit with the Turks, the Arabisch with the Arabisch. I’m the only American. Most people speak a little English, but we don’t talk. What’s there to say? We’ve all ended up in a room in Stuttgart, Germany, trying to learn a four-case language. The only appropriate thing to say is, “Oh, fuck.”

    I’m lucky, though. I grew up around the German language, took it for a year in seventh grade, and live in a German-speaking household now. I’ve  sat through four-hour dinners where I barely understand a word. But i came with the basics. Um…meaning I can tell you my name, but I’ll also tell you I’m thirty-four—because I’m forty-three. German numbers are inverted, with no botox effect.

    The teacher’s kind, but she speaks zero English. None. There is no English in this classroom. My language—gone. People can speak English, sure, but I can’t just speak here. I have to slow down, strip down my words, make everything simple.

    And I feel guilty about it, honestly. Most people here learned English; I’ve had it easier than them. I’m American, now even more aware of that. The U.S. loves to brag about leading the way in diversity and inclusion, but here, that’s a punchline. My classmates make jokes about it all the time. They laugh about Black Lives Matter. At first, I thought it was messed up, but now that I live in Stuttgart, I get it. On any given day, I hear seven languages, see every kind of person—and I realize how ridiculous it is that we think we “lead” the global conversation on inclusion. We have no idea, because we are such a large body of land…foreigners are swallowed up and assimilate…here not so mucht We’re entitled. The world bends to us because English is everywhere. And yeah…just eye opening.

    That class taught me a lot. Once we got friendly, I found out they’d all placed bets on how long I’d last. Apparently Americans don’t do well being cut off from other Americans—especially not in a room full of Eastern Europeans and Middle Easterners. Shit, am I going to get canceled for saying that….I believe it to be true.

    Classes were 2 to 6 p.m., Monday through Friday, for seven months. Two schools. I just fucking did it…you cant think about it…but I loved it, and I’m getting the hang of it—besser und besser jeden Tag. Still, Ich kann nicht so viele Beziehungen mit Deutsch machen. I speak too much English, but handled the Financeamt auf deutsch…so like i think im ok…or really fucked:) .

    Dativ oder Akkusativ? Four hours a day hearing German, speaking German..but the weird part about learning a language is, you never really know if you’re learning it. Because you cant actually speak it out of the classroom!

    One day we got a worksheet about two boys. I thought Boy A was asking Boy B if he had a skateboard for Saturday. Boy B said no, but maybe Sunday. I answered all the questions, wrote a whole paragraph about it. My teacher asked me to explain what was happening, and I told her. She said, “Zeit ist ein uhr….dieses kurs fangen um 14uhr An…., nicht ein skateboard.” I laughed until tears streamed down my face. So did my Romanian friend Ana. The teacher didn’t. Because she was born in germany.

    But I kept going. I did a Pilates teacher training—in German. Went to social events—in German. I have dinners with Roland—five-hour European marathons—all in German. I just threw myself in.

    I have to learn it..but I dont stress about it.. Stuttgart thinks it’s a city, but it’s a town—and you’ve got to Deutsch sprechen here.

    The grammar is a path to  Insane. They have three “the’s.” Yes, three. If you ask for die Messer (the knife), you’ll get that look—because it’s das Messer. Or maybe der Messer. Who even knows. It’s still a knife, and they know it.

    A knife (Messer) lays on the table. A glass stands on the table. So now I measure things before I pick a directive word as to if something should be stood or laid on the table. I laugh when I see people sitting down…akkusitiv…akkusitiv akk…and the ass makes contact we have DATIV.

    I ask Roland for help with homework, but most Germans don’t actually understand their own grammar—they just speak it. Ask them about Dativpronomen and they’ll stare at you. Roland once Googled  the Kasus, printed out ten pages, and even he laughed.

    Now I catch myself: Oh fuck, verb ist immer Position zwei. Half the time I split trennbare verbs, half the time I have no idea what they even are.

    The language makes me laugh as much as it frustrates me. But its fun to learn with other foreigners ….like i say…there is a reason these people do sauerkraut so well..VINEGAR! We are soaked in it….a sense of humor is key to language….especially the german one…and that is up to us. The immigrants.

  • Coping with Change: Leaving My Old Life Behind

    Now I’m here. But sometimes, I wonder.

    I’ve thought about starting this blog a hundred times—usually mid-day, in one of those moments where I stop and think: what the fuck did I do? I laugh, because honestly, what else can you do?

    In those moments I tell myself, I have to write this all down, share this with my community. But when night comes and I finally sit down, the words vanish. Living here in Germany feels too big, too weird, too much for a tidy little sentence. And some days, feeling so far from my communit…and my dog Korbe, who I believe was a direct descendent of Jesus Christ.I just push the thoughts away and worry about Dativ or Akkusativ instead.

    Maybe the best place to start is at the beginning. Almost a year later, I can finally think about it without flinching.

    The truth is, I had a great life. I always have. I loved my business—it was the hardest thing to leave. It was my love story: I helped name it, build it, open its doors. And then, somehow, I found myself pushed out of those very same doors I had helped to create—a place where I’d imagined everyone could just be themselves.

    One day, I showed up to work to a note to forward to all my employees welcoming someone to my position. The only problem was…I hadn’t actually left. I felt like I’d been shot, but some people do how they do and I guess I’d been pointed to the door I’d opened. Like a million times. I still can’t come to grips with my exit, but I can laugh about it because- facade, pulpits and stages. And the girl in the black t-shirt. I didn’t fit anymore. Used to it!

    I had a place to go in Europe—which sounds like every American’s dream. Someone dear to me was here. But I also had a whole life on Valencia Street—and a dog who wasn’t invited.

    It was July 17, 2024. I just broke. Two years earlier, a significant relationship had burned me up, beaten me down, and left me for dead. Now I could feel everything in my life slipping away. And I knew: Ich werde nach Deutschland gehen. All I really had tying me to my life was my dog. I knew I couldn’t leave him, but I also knew my life was leaving me. I cried once, because it was all just too big.

    I moved out of my beloved home and sold it in September. I gave my notice, gracefully….so technically it was “my” decision. So many feelings about that- i hate bullshit though.  I got rid of my plants, died a little inside, and gave away my stuff. I accepted that my books wouldn’t be coming with me. Neither would Korbel. His cancer had returned, and I medicated him with a cocktail to make him last as long as possible.

    I put my life, Korbel, down on November 5th. I moved to Germany on November 7th. And I still can’t believe I survived that. Now I’m here…but I wonder. Also fuck SEO but its 2025..>Coping with change???! really….lame.

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